It's Okay to Freak Out...

My fellow sisters,

Honestly? This is something really hard for me to blog about.  I've always been a "high achieving" type of girl.  I'm used to taking on challenges, doing things that are hard, tackling scary tasks, etc.

But, lately, I have been struggling.  And, since I was unable to figure-out what has been wrong with me, I made something up...

I am suffering from: Acute Pre-Mission Anxiety Syndrome, or APMAS.

Definition: Acute Pre-Mission Anxiety Syndrome: / noun / An irrational disorder characterized by intense feelings of worry, nervousness, or unease about the imminent uncertainty of full-time missionary service. May be characterized by sleeplessness, illogical crying spells, shortness of breath, feelings of inadequacy, and countless absurd "what-if" scenarios that the patient imagines and then obsesses over.  May be misdiagnosed as a psychotic break.

Don't get me wrong, I am honestly excited to serve my mission.  That is part of what makes my case of APMAS so illogical.

Have you ever seen Tangled? You know the part where Rapunzel finally leaves the tower?  One minute, she is skipping and running all over the place so excited, and the next she is freaking out and crying "what have I done?!"

Yup... That basically sums up how I feel.

For the past few days, I have been feeling hard-core anxiety about leaving on my mission.  It has been difficult for me to nail-down the exact cause of my anxiety.  Sure, mission work will be hard, I will miss my family, it will be difficult to adjust to an entirely new culture, learning Spanish will be a challenge, but even more than that...

I worry that I am going to fail.  

I worry that I won't be able to do it. 

I feel so inadequate. 

And it all came boiling over the other night.  

My sister asked me a basic question about my mission.  I melted down.  We're talking full on sobbing to the point where I can't breathe and snot is running down my face and I can't calm down. (Hot, I know) 

 And I couldn't understand why I was so afraid. 

This is very uncharacteristic of me.  And I know that I am supposed to serve a mission.

So why do I feel this way?

After my family (unsuccessfully) tried to comfort me, I hid myself in my room.  After calming down enough to read a few scriptures I knelt to pray. It went about like this:

"Heavenly Father, what is wrong with me? Why do I feel so afraid? I honestly don't understand.  Have I developed a serious case of Bipolar? Have I suffered a psychotic break??? Please help me understand."

After ending my prayer, I had a distinct prompting that I needed to check my email. And, since this was such a strange request, I did.  What I found was an email from a dear friend of mine, who is serving in Ecuador.

He had no idea that I am feeling so scared.

He didn't know I was suffering a massive psychotic meltdown.

I prefer for people not to know that I am unstable.

However, despite not knowing about how I was feeling, his email was a direct answer to my prayer.
He said:

"Dearest Sierra, 

I've been thinking a lot about this week about Satan. But not in a sketchy apostate missionary kind of way. I've been thinking about the opposition that he is so very good at putting in the way of our progress. It's more apparent and obvious here in the mission than anywhere else. Something absolutely always happens before a baptism, before an important lesson, or something that stops an investigator from making it to church. 

I felt like I should share my pre-mission experience with you, which is something I have never really done before with anyone, not even entirely with my parents. I gained my testimony of Satan (sounds weird but bare with me) in the months before I put in my mission papers, because I faced more real and powerful opposition than I ever had before. I gained a testimony that the most powerful tools he has are doubt and fear. Hes so good at making us afraid and making us feel inadequate. He knows that the more doubtful we are, the easier it is to drag us down and to subject us. I talked a lot about this with my parents and my bishop, and I realized that most of the fear that I felt was not from me. It was enlightening to come to that realization, that literally the feelings I was experiencing were not my own, that they were put there by a specific person, for a specific reason. 

Knowing this helped me more than anything else, though I never stopped doubting. The doubts and fears kept up until the moment I stepped on to the plane, at which point I more or less went to shock. But the point is, Satan is very real, but we don't have to give in to what he wants. He is able to influence how we think and feel, but we don't have to let that influence how we act. I know that the Lord is there to strengthen us, because I have felt the strength that comes from him and have seen how He has made impossible things possible for me. 

So don't worry hun. You're going to be a wonderful missionary and you're going to kick Satan in the pants with the amazing work you'll do. Hang in there, ok?" 

This boy is clearly so in-tune with the Spirit.  It was like he knew exactly how I was feeling! Which made me realize, lots of missionaries feel this way.  

I seemed to be under the impression that only "bad" missionaries are scared to go on missions. This simply is not true.

Missionary work is hard.  Really hard.  But that doesn't mean that we can't do it.  

The Adversary is going to do everything in his power to stop us.  But, in the wise words of Miley Cyrus, "We can't stop, and we won't stop." 

It's just like my friend said, "[Satan] can influence how we think, and how we feel, but we don't have to let that influence how we act." 

The Lord has counseled us "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." (D&C 6: 36)  This is totally easier said than done, I get that. But we also know that "The Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which He commanded them." (1 Nephi 3:7) That means that if The Lord doesn't want us to be afraid, He will provide the means by which we can be comforted. And if He wants us to serve missions, He will provide a way that we can do it!  

For me, it helps to remember that I know that I am supposed to be doing this. Elder Holland once said: "If it was right when you prayed about it, and trusted it, and lived for it, it is right now." I know that this is right for me. 

I know that these feelings of worry and doubt may not entirely go away.  But I also know that through my Savior, Jesus Christ, I can do all things.  Even serve a mission. 

I may still be afraid.  But that's okay.  I will get over it.  I know that The Lord will help me to be a great missionary.  Through Him I can accomplish all I have been sent here to do. Through Him I can beat APMAS.

And you can do it too.

So, let's all kick Satan in the pants!

Love, 

- Hermana Wise


[Editor's note:  For an update on how Sierra feels about her freaking out period, click here, where she addresses it one year into her mission.]